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Wondering Who You Are: A Memoir, by Sonya Lea
Download PDF Wondering Who You Are: A Memoir, by Sonya Lea
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In exploring her husband's traumatic brain injury and loss of memory, Sonya Lea has written a memoir that is both a powerful look at perseverance in the face of trauma and a surprising exploration into what lies beyond our fragile identities.
In the twenty-third year of their marriage, Sonya Lea’s husband, Richard, went in for surgery to treat a rare appendix cancer. When he came out, he had no recollection of their life together: how they met, their wedding day, the births of their two children. All of it was gone, along with the rockier parts of their past―her drinking, his anger. Richard could now hardly speak, emote, or create memories from moment to moment. Who he’d been no longer was.Wondering Who You Are braids the story of Sonya and Richard’s relationship, those memories that he could no longer conjure, together with his fateful days in the hospital―the internal bleeding, the near-death experience, and eventual traumatic brain injury. It follows the couple through his recovery as they struggle with his treatment, and through a marriage no longer grounded on decades of shared experience. As they build a fresh life together, as Richard develops a new personality, Sonya is forced to question her own assumptions, beliefs, and desires, her place in the marriage and her way of being in the world. With radical candor and honesty, Sonya Lea has written a memoir that is both a powerful look at perseverance in the face of trauma and a surprising exploration into what lies beyond our fragile identities.
- Sales Rank: #128965 in Books
- Published on: 2015-07-13
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.80" h x 1.00" w x 5.10" l, .0 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 336 pages
Most helpful customer reviews
21 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
Be careful what you ask for
By SMP
I got this book because I heard the author and her husband interviewed recently on NPR. Based on that, I thought "Wondering Who You Are" would be a uniquely uplifting story. I expected something along the lines of Jill Bolte Taylor's "My Stroke of Insight," which was a fascinating and inspiring first-hand account of a young woman's stroke and rehabilitation. For sure, this book did keep me on the edge of my seat - I couldn't put it down (as other reviewers have noted). And it did have some engaging parts, like the description of Richard's chaotic hospitalization, the couple's experience with a mediator over the legal settlement, and Lea's sexual exploration, among others. But I came away from the book feeling it was over-wrought and just plain sad. Here is a woman (the author) who actually leads a rich, surprising, adventure-filled life, but she just can't stop weeping over her lack of self-fulfillment. It's ironic that she spends so much of the book bemoaning the loss of her remarkable husband's pre-surgery personality, and yet while she had him that way, she was an alcoholic who preferred to be out partying rather than staying home with him and her children! Clearly she is transformed by her experience with him after he loses his personality, but she seems to find barely an ounce of delight in any of his rehabilitation successes or her own exploration of the wondrous possibilities life has to offer. Instead we hear too many times about her tears.
If nothing else, what this book teaches is - be careful what you ask for. If you long for unconditional love and acceptance, here is post-surgery Richard, able to offer these things in spades…. but it's creepy. Gurus like Byron Katie teach us the joy of living in the moment and questioning our personal narratives, but those approaches to self-transformation are only viable if we have a memory and a life story - as Richard does not.
20 of 22 people found the following review helpful.
Disappointed
By Beach guy
This book was intense and held my interest until the writer decided to find a lover. Her self-centered ness and lack of empathy for her husband 's condition ( not affected by his tears as she leaves him to go take a vacation with her lover) made me wonder how she would have reacted if during her years of alcoholism , her husband would have sought a lover, (since she was not available to him emotionally. )
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Medical thriller meets heartbreaking love story for a great read
By Carol Pierson Holding
Sonya Lea is a fabulous writer with an honest and subversive message, and Wondering Who I Am is a great read. Lea’s command of the medical specialists, medical centers, tests, drugs etc of traumatic brain injury, some of which are further elaborated on in the Notes section, makes this also an invaluable resource for anyone facing memory loss in themselves or a loved one.
Wondering Who I Am is equal parts love story and medical nightmare. The two narratives are intertwined through the first part of the book, with chapters detailing Sonya’s efforts to manage the horror of her husband Richard’s mishandled cancer operation and his resulting memory loss alternating with the story of their love affair and 23-year marriage. By the end of Part One, I was in love with both and equally sympathetic to their plights, not an easy feat.
The characters are deeply flawed by circumstance. Richard has no memory of his past including the existence of his wife and children or the particulars of how to function in society. Sonya is an ex-alcoholic who doesn’t sugar-coat her own trauma and failings caring for a man who is functionally a child. Her “ambiguous loss” tears her apart through three years of Sisyphian effort. She reminds us again and again that the man with the appalling manners and inability to engage in conversation is the same gorgeous guy she’s loved since she was seventeen, the 6’6” chiseled man who now has to be re-taught everything, even to blink.
Needless to say, Sonya tries many cures, from therapies to religions to retreats, desperate to hold herself together and help her husband get better, with varying degrees of success. My favorite line (and there are more than a few moments of humor) comes after one of these experiments, when she finally feels the profound sense of peace and acceptance she's been seeking…then admits to herself she’s “full of s***.”
This book reads like a thriller, albeit a heart-breaking one, pulling you through the “not-knowing” of a spouse’s “permanent disability” while keeping up the suspense of what will happen to the two characters and their children. Highly recommended.
NOTE: I read an advance copy that put every occurrence of the letters “ICU” in a different font and capital letters, as in “diffICUlty.” I’m not sure if this was intentional, but it had the effect of pulling me back to the horrific hospital scenes, keeping them as present in my mind as they must have stayed in the author’s. I hope they survived.
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